Recognising abusive behaviour

Despite years of awareness, marches, and activism, South Africa still has a shameful record of gender-based violence. While not all intimate partner violence is directed at women, the vast majority involves men exerting power, either physically or emotionally, over women. Children are also often the victims of abuse. This blog looks at different types of abuse and warning signs that indicate abusive behaviour.

Types of abuse in relationships

Abuse can occur in any relationship, whether it is by a family member, friend, spouse, or dating partner.

– Sexual abuse is any interaction that involves behaviours in which an adult or child is used for the sexual gratification of another person without mutual consent. In most cases, the offender is in a position of power, trust, or control. 

– Physical abuse refers to the injury or harm of a person done intentionally. Actions include hitting, kicking, beating, biting, or any other action that leads to physical pain, injury, or visible marks or bruising. 

– Neglect is the failure to meet someone’s basic needs. Such as not providing enough food, shelter, basic supervision, necessary medical or mental health treatment, adequate education, or emotional comfort. 

– Emotional and verbal abuse is the treatment of a person in a way that attacks their emotional development and sense of worth. Examples include constant fault-finding, belittling, rejection, and withholding love, support, or guidance. 

– Financial abuse is when someone withholds, steals from, or controls access to another’s finances or property without permission. It is seen as a form of fraud.

– Mental abuse is the use of threats, verbal insults, and other more subtle tactics to control a person’s way of thinking. This form of abuse is often used to destroy one’s self-esteem and confidence and undermine their sense of reality or competence. It also includes gaslighting behaviour.

Other forms of abuse include grooming, harassment, cyber-stalking, bullying, and hazing. 

Signs of abuse

Not all kinds of abuse are easily recognisable or come with clear signs or warnings. Some, like emotional and mental abuse, may affect you before you realise what’s happening. Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
• Are you afraid to disagree?
• Do you have to justify everything you do, every place you go, or every person you see to avoid someone’s anger?
• Does your partner put you down and then tell you that they love you?
• Do you stay away from friends or family because your partner will be jealous?
• Have you been forced into having sex when you didn’t want to?
• Are you afraid to break up because others have threatened to hurt you or themselves?
• Does your partner hurt you?
• Do you feel intimidated or controlled by your partner or your own extended family?
• Does someone withhold medication that you need to stay healthy?

If you answer ‘yes’ to any of them, you may be being abused.

How to help 

Every incident of abuse and domestic violence is unique. You are the one who knows what the best way out is for you as a person of your circumstances. However, it is always easier to overcome hardships with the right support.

For confidential support with abuse and domestic violence, consider contacting a hotline in South Africa today.

One can also get a protection order, also known as a restraining order, or domestic violence interdict. It’s a court order that tells an abuser to stop the abuse, and sets certain conditions preventing the abuser from harassing or abusing the victim again.

Apply at a Magistrates Court nearest to where you live and work, at any time, during and outside court hours as well as on public holidays, or weekends.

Abuse happens in every culture, age, race, nationality, and socio-economic level. It happens in both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ relationships, and among family members. If you feel you or a loved one may be struggling with abuse, reach out to me.